I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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