doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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