youre lurking in front of me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
