Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
