nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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