Hey man sorry I got all grabby
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
