the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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