We're like a lot better than the average bears
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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