why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize