there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
