Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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