I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
