I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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