Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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