I wish I could punch you in the face.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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