I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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