How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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