i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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