Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
