i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize