why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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