I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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