dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
