I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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