Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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