fuck your aforementioned shoe
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
