just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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