Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
