Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
