Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i dont even know how to be here
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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