I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
