I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize