Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
