she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't turn off my feet"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
