Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
