I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize