FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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