I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize