My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
