i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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