Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
