I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
