oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sext me about skeletons
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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