You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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