I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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