I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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