I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
