She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
