I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
