Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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