The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
