i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
50% drunk capacity currently
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
