I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
