Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
