I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
