Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
