my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
