Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
