I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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