You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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