at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
