the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
