roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
