Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
