I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
