My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
