I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Damn victory sex feels great
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
